Deliberate

This is my new word for the year.  I started choosing a word of the year instead of a New Year's Resolution last year.  I felt like a word could incorporate so much more into my life than a few small "wishes" if you will.  Last year I chose the word "Simplify".  I truly wanted to take stock of my life and weed out all of the junk that was causing me to feel so much chaos.  I don't feel like that word was a complete failure but to be honest I didn't really focus on making it important until the last few months of 2013.  So much was going on in my life last year that was beyond my control.  At one point we had 3 foster kids in the home, Steve quit is job of 11 years to start his own company, family members died, etc...  Not until around August did I feel like I could really step back and look at what could be cut out and made simple.

Over the holidays I really feel into a funk.  It happens around this time every year and I am pretty sure it's due to the fact the weather is gloomier and colder and the business of the holidays.  I feel inadequate in many ways because I see all of the "amazing" things that others are doing with their families and to be honest, I just don't have the energy or initiative to do many of the things myself.  This year however it was even worse.  I knew that my life needed a change.  There was so much coming and going.  So many things that needed to be attended to right that minute that I was left feeling exhausted and to be quite honest, angry.

I know having 5 kids and homeschooling will keep me busy.  I actually like being busy.  It just felt like I was busy with all of the wrong things.  I have always, in my heart, wanted to have my kids a home, learning and growing up together.  I have always wanted to have a small homestead where we had a few farm animals, a large garden, greenhouse and vineyard for my kids to help work in.  I want the kinda of lifestyle where we are all working together as a family to make it work.

BUT..... I was living more of a soccer mom lifestyle.  So many activities with the kids.  So much back and forth to town for social this and social that.  We live about 20 minutes outside of town and there were days that I was actually coming to and from town 3 times a day.  We were in the car more than out.  And the gas bill.. sheesh... we won't even go there!!!  So the home that was supposed to be our haven, our soft place to land was cluttered, dirty and every where I looked I saw what a failure I was.

So Christmas break gave me a chance to pause; well actually illness throughout the family did but ; I pulled in all of my obligations and shut myself off to the world.  Friends were calling because they were worried that I was depressed but it was more than that.  It wasn't depression but introspection and the realization that I had busied myself to the point of numbness to so many important things was sobering.  I had to pull away from it all to see what I truly needed to add back in.

And what it all boiled down to is my family!  We had gone from a family of 4 to a family of 7 so quickly that so many important things had slipped by unnoticed.  I wasn't bonding with my kids anymore, especially the adopted ones.  I was too busy ushering them around to actually spend time with them.  Being home for 3 weeks with very limited interruptions was so good.  I love being home with them; yes all of them.

I started praying about how I could continue this epiphany and the word "Deliberate" came to me.  Living with my eyes open to the fact that I needed to be intentional with so many things.  Consciously making each decision that would effect everyone.  I am still a bit overwhelmed with this.  Having children from teenagers to a 4 month is still hard to schedule around.  We have sat down with them or just the ones that are old enough to have an opinion, and made some hard choices.  Hard but ones that in the end we all agreed were good and right.

My prayer is that I am able to embrace this new word and see changes much sooner than last year.  That our little home and family grow in strength and bond.  That we can successfully have our animals, gardens and vineyard so that we are able to work together to provide a little sanctuary for our kids and hopefully others too.

Our verse for the year :

James 5:12 - "But above all, my brothers, do not swear,  by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your "yes" be yes and your "no" be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation."